


Orochimaru Works At Burger King

by vaguelyfriendlyreptile



Category: Naruto
Genre: Blood, Crack, Creepy Orochimaru (Naruto), Gen, Humor, Kabuto needs a fucking break, Mild Gore, Reader-Insert, Sasuke being a bitch, fry cook sasuke, the trials and tribulations of customer service
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 07:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30085905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaguelyfriendlyreptile/pseuds/vaguelyfriendlyreptile
Summary: You decide to pay a visit to your local Burger King. Unfortunately for you, murder is on the menu.
Kudos: 7





	Orochimaru Works At Burger King

The Burger King doors are open wide when you approach the restaurant, craving a double whopper. When you step in, you're immediately thrown by the atmosphere. It's different, somehow-- not like the Burger King vibes you're used to feeling. Perhaps it's the decorative rubber snakes hanging from the ceiling, or maybe the human body plastered to the wall across from you and the bloodstains of fallen customers lying scattered around on the floor. In any case, it unnerves you, and you're cautious as you approach the counter. 

There's a tall person standing there, with their back turned to you. You can't quite tell what their gender is. That's fine. 

Their long black hair looks greasy and tangled. You think you might see a french fry in it. 

"Uh, hello?" you say, stepping forward into a little pool of blood.

The person only chuckles, growing louder as they turn around to face you-- you're pretty sure they're a man, but you can't really tell. This is fine. 

His skin is as pale as the napkin dispenser and his smile is abnormally wide. The Burger King visor on his head sits crooked over his nasty hair.

"Welcome to my Burger Kingdom," he drawls slimily. His hands slip over the cash register. "What will you be having today?" 

"Just fries please," you say. "Hey, why'd you kill all your customers?"

He shrugs. "Sacrifices must be made if we are to experience true power in this capitalist world, and they weren't committed enough to the Burger King values."

"Hey, Orochimaru?" A silver-haired employee pokes his head out of the back room. "Your presence is requested at the fryer. Your new recruit destroyed it in anger again." 

Orochimaru's face twists in disgust. His earrings deflate a little bit. "Fucking Uchiha," he slimes, scowling. "Man the register, will you? I'm going to put that child in his place." 

Orochimaru leaves, throwing the back doors open and leaving them swinging on their hinges in his wake. This new employee slides into place behind the register. He's got massive thick-rimmed glasses and a bad case of cystic acne. A little music note pin sits on his shirt, next to his name tag which says Kabuto. You feel bad for him. He's probably a band kid. 

"Hello, yes, sorry about that," he says. "What can I get you?" 

"Fries please."

He sighs like he hates his life and everything in it. "Sorry, our fryer is broken. Anything else I can get you?" 

"Yeah, the man who broke it." You shake your fist at him. "I wanna see his stupid face and let him know what he took from me!"

Kabuto once again sighs heavily. "Sasuke!" he calls. 

A moment later, the back doors swing open, and a young man with short black hair runs out with Orochimaru hot on his heels. He's wearing a small paper hat instead of a visor. 

"I'm filing a homophobia complaint," Sasuke shouts, pointing at his pursuer.

"You do that, you little gay ass bitch!" Orochimaru gurgles back, "file a homophobia complaint against your also gay manager!"

You, confused, decide that perhaps you'd rather have Taco Bell instead. As you turn around to leave, Orochimaru's creepy voice screeches after you: "OH NO YOU DON'T! NOT ANOTHER ONE!" He runs to the counter, all thoughts of Sasuke abandoned, and suddenly his jaws unhinge and he pukes up a massive sword. It flies in your direction. This activates your fight or flight response— but unfortunately you have no time to fight or flee before it stabs you through the chest. 

Sasuke heaves a sigh behind Orochimaru as the sword retracts and you fall to the slimy tile floor in a heap. You are just another of the many victims who couldn't commit to the Burger King values enough to gain Orochimaru's respect. As you lay dying, you can hear the voices of the three people still talking idly as if nothing happened: "Kabuto, go get a mop and clean up this mess, would you?" 

"Yes, sir."

"And Sasuke— Sasuke, get your stupid bitch ass back here before I steal your body and fix that damn fryer!" 

Sasuke begins an angry outburst of a response, but you're dead before you can hear it. Later, Kabuto loads your body into the Burger King dumpster and this becomes your eternal resting place. I mean, there are plenty of worse ways to die.

**Author's Note:**

> make sure to tip your server at fast food restaurants guys


End file.
